Recently, during my coach Tony Anagor’s “Unmasked” exercise, I noticed something about myself.
When I walk into highly hierarchical settings, I become more measured. More contained. More distant. I don’t want to lose face. That instinct runs deep in my cultural upbringing.
When I walk into a new audience, I often do the opposite. Warmer. More humorous. More charming. If I can make people laugh, I feel I’ve earned my place. Two different instincts.
One protects respect. The other secures acceptance.
Both can work. Neither is the centre. I began to see something important about public speaking. Influence follows a curve.
On one side of the curve: Too distant. You are respected but not felt. The audience acknowledges your competence but does not emotionally lean in.
On the other side: Too charming. You are liked but not fully trusted. The audience enjoys you, but when decisions get uncomfortable, they hesitate to follow. The centre is different.
Warmth with standards. Humour with judgment. Presence without performance. This is where trust lives.
And trust, not applause, determines whether your message lands when the stakes rise. Most speakers do not consciously choose a side. They react. In hierarchical environments, distance protects status.
In unfamiliar rooms, charm secures belonging. Both are human responses.
But influence requires something more intentional. It requires calibration.
Here are five ways to move toward the middle of the curve.
- Separate Warmth from Approval
Warmth means openness, eye contact, ease in your tone. Approval means needing agreement.
You can be warm without seeking validation. If you notice yourself scanning for laughs or nods, pause. Return to clarity.
- Signal Standards Early
Trust grows when audiences sense boundaries. Early in a talk, make one clear statement of principle.
For example:
“We’re going to challenge some comfortable assumptions today.”
Or: “This is going to feel uncomfortable at moments, and that’s intentional.” Standards signal backbone.
- Use Humour to Strengthen the Message, Not to Dilute It
Humour is powerful because it lowers defences. It makes people receptive. But it can also deflect tension that should remain in the room.
Imagine you’re presenting cost reductions. You could say with a light smile, “Well, at least we’ll all have smaller PowerPoint decks next quarter,” and get a laugh. The room relaxes. But what just happened?
You eased the discomfort before people fully processed the weight of the decision.
Contrast that with this:
“We all know these decisions are uncomfortable. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t be discussing them at this level.”
No joke. Just grounded acknowledgment. Humour should illuminate truth, not help you escape it.
Before using it, ask yourself: Is this helping the audience see more clearly? Or helping me feel safer?
- Control Your Energy in Hierarchical Settings
If you naturally become distant in hierarchical settings, focus on micro-warmth. Slightly slower pace.
Intentional eye contact. Fewer slides, more direct engagement. Respect does not require coldness.
Calm authority builds more trust than guarded authority.
- Stay Composed When Tension Rises
The centre of the curve becomes visible under pressure. When someone challenges you, do you over-soften? Do you become sharper?
Instead, aim for calm clarity. Acknowledge the point. Respond with structure. Hold your ground without escalation. This is what audiences interpret as credibility. The goal of public speaking is not applause. It is not laughter. It is not even being memorable.
The real question is this:
When the stakes rise, do people trust you enough to act? That trust is built in the middle of the curve. Not too distant. Not too charming.
Trusted.
